Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*