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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.