My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
You Might Also Like
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.