Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them