From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Alexa: *deep breath*
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.