Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Have kids, they said
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you