I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?