Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Never let them know your next move 😂
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’