Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
knights of the ikea table
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit