Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”