Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush