Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.