I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Bootstraps
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
is it earth
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office