Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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fair
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.