when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive