*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.