I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
We’ve all been there…
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.