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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.