Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Best spot.. 😅
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑