Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014