Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”