Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Cow it started Cow it’s going