Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
WTF
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.