I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do