Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
those birds must be on payroll
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up