Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Cats are still liquid.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.