PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
crochet youtube is brutal
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
#SuperBowl
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.