me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.