My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I hope Alan is OK
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump