Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.