Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.