So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Please do it!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
For the ones in the back.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.