watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
You Might Also Like
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
The struggle is real
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.