Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again