My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.