I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
No laws when master is gone
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?