“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you