‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card