as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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Looking at you, Jesus.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
dutch is not a serious language
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?