her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.