Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
You Might Also Like
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter