Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.