Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
A small tragedy.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks