911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
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We found love in a hopeless place.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?