If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.