Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
You Might Also Like
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
just gave your address to some spiders
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
BaD BoY!!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
How animals would run if they were human
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?