Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.