I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂