Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.