Not today
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cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!